Dear God, Are you there? Love, Mansi.

It's that time of the year again... The festivals. We don't get to have the holidays, because good old school days are long gone and apparently you're supposed to let go of the festivities when you enter college, because the University doesn't give you an off.  Navratri, Dussehra, Diwali, Annapurna, and other  holy-days are here again. And since Dussehra is tomorrow, these thoughts were floating in and out of my mind all day today:

Do I really believe in God? Am I an atheist? Should I be one? Is God even there? 

I sure like the festive feel, no second thoughts. I like helping around with the preparations. I like some of the bhajans that I think my grandmother wrote; or perhaps they're a family heirloom. Some of these songs...they're so...cute, you know? There are all these stories about Gods and everything...they are so interesting! And I really like the way my whole family chants the hymns in one voice. Love the way it feels to be surrounded by people who, no matter what they do or how you feel about them, actually care for you. That, I think, is what festivals really mean to me. A way of remembering and continuing what my grandma started off with me when I was so little I don't even remember how long it's been. A way of having my family together, no matter what.

And this makes me think... Where's God in all this? I'm doing this for myself and for my family, not for God. And this is where my locality springs up. Literally. It's 10:00 pm and my computer table along with my whole house and my head is having seizures, the likes of which you can't possibly imagine. Reason? The RWA of my locality is trying to send their prayers to God. Or something like that. And the only way they could think of doing it is shouting their lungs out on a mike, singing all these bhajans, that you can't really make sense of because it's SO FREAKING LOUD! And I wrote the last three words in Caps because I was afraid you wouldn't hear what I'm saying over this thunderstorm right outside our balcony. God, is this really what it takes to please / pray / reach out to You? If this is it, then Dear God, we've got to talk about it!

It just feels so so SO...wrong! Believing in God, talking to God or thanking God is supposed to make you feel light, right? It's supposed to bring peace and calm to you...from within and without. It's supposed to make you feel good about yourself and about the world around you.  But what's happening with me right now is just the opposite. I feel angry and tired and restless. And the worst part is that thinking along these lines is making me feel blasphemous. But I don't. Not really. 

I believe in God. I might use a 'He' for Him sometimes (And I blame Patriarchy for it) but God's not a 'He' or a 'She' for me. I might close my eyes and picture Him as Goddess Durga or Lord Shiva or Hanuman or Lord Ganesha but really, He doesn't have a particular form for me anymore. The God I believe in is like my family, only I think It genuinely knows everything. And of course I can't see It.

The God that I have knows what I've done. And He still believes in me. 

He doesn't 'make' me do stuff. But He watches. 

When I do something 'right', it actually feels right and I hear him whisper 'Well done, sweetheart." in my heart. 

When I make a mistake, I hear Him say "You could have done better, you know? And I think, you still can." 

He doesn't want me to repent or regret. He wants me to learn.

He doesn't undo my wrongs if I pray more. What he does when I pray more is this: He looks at me with a blank expression and when I'm done telling Him how great He is, how I am His little child who needs to be rescued, how I'll forever be grateful to Him if He saved me just this time; He rolls His eyes and tells me to cut it and get back to do some "real" work to show Him that He didn't make a mistake by giving me life. That's my God!

He's like the one Elizabeth Gilbert talked about in Eat, Pray, Love. He's the one Alice Walker talked about in The Color Purple.

I don't hate or try to convert the atheists. I don't have any power to do that anyway. I just feel that they're missing out on a lot, you know? May be they have someone in their lives who feels like what my God feels like to me. Good enough, right? Absolutely.

So Dear God,

I believe in You like You believe in me. And as long as I remain in You and You in me, we'll bear much fruit. (Yes, I kinda copied it from the Bible, but You get the point, right?)

So as I was saying, I really believe in You, you know? I think You're the greatest. I think there's nothing in this world that You can't do. In front of You, I'm close to nothing! Just a little girl sitting on a wooden chair in front of a computer screen writing to You. And the chair and the screen and my brain is still shaking. And since nothing's impossible for You... Get these HUGE BLASTING SPEAKERS right outside my house to...shut up, maybe?

Love,

Mansi.

Dear Mansi,

Shut up, sweetheart. I like to see you whine and helpless sometimes, you know? You look stupid. And I like that. :P

Love,

God.

Dear God,

Not funny.

Love,

Mansi.